Month 3 – March Update

It feels like all I’ve talked about recently has been my grandma, but it’s because her care has become my number 2 focus, only slightly lower than the care of my hubby and kids. It’s been a long road and it has affected everything, weight loss included.

March started out strong and very steady. I was making better and better choices and I was feeling great about it. I had started the alpha cycle of T25 (a Sean T workout program) towards the end of February and I was hitting my stride with it. You would have probably laughed at me if you could see me trying to keep up with workouts. Let’s just say, I was really, really out of shape and that does not mix well with how naturally uncoordinated I am. But it felt great to have a commitment to something that made me put myself on my daily to do list. By mid-month, I was catching up with the modifier on the DVDs, I had lost another few pounds, and I was feeling energized and proud of myself.

Then my grandma got worse. Much worse.

What had been a long and rough year for her, turned into a drastically bad situation for her, in a matter of days. Her greatest wish is to stay in her own home and be with family, so we are doing everything in our power to give her that. It means that we have to take shifts to be here to care for her and support Papa 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. As I write this, I am in the middle of an overnight watch shift after being awake the previous day as well. Before you think that I am complaining or looking for sympathy, let me just stop you and help you understand. I am only one person of a small army of family and we are all working extremely hard to care for her because she spent her life caring for us. She and Papa have supported us and loved us and given us everything they could for our entire lives, this is the least we can do in return.

That being said, emotional stress, the rollercoaster of good days and bad days, the physical stress and lack of sleep…they all add up and I have allowed it to make a negative impact on my choices. I have been eating my feelings, and they have tasted like homemade cheesecake, and doughnuts, and snacks, and massive dinners from caring friends who are showering us with southern comfort food. I am not going to be so rough on myself that I say that I should have just brought my own lettuce and eschewed the casseroles and desserts. But I certainly haven’t had to take it as far as I have, as often as I have.

I’m frustrated with myself for being so foolish as to throw away my hard-earned progress to feel better for the 8 minutes it took to eat that mac and cheese or that piece of pie. It is shocking when you realize just how little self discipline you actually have when the rubber meets the black top. But what is done is done, I’m just trying to get through this as best I can.

I am quite proud of myself for not giving up T25 though, and I am currently 2 day’s from completing the first cycle (the alpha cycle) for the first time. In spite of the extreme time demands of late, and even though I sometimes had to do doubles to make up for missed days, the goal was to finish it on time and I have. My fitness level has improved and I feel stronger and more flexible so at least I have that to measure as progress this month. Up next is the second cycle, the beta cycle, which is another 5 weeks long.

Hopefully I can dig deeper into myself and, not only completely the beta cycle on time, but also get back to the clean and lean diet from the beginning of March. For now, I’m just dealing with everything as best I can.